Teach your kids to manage their anger

Kids who can manage anger have a head start in life.

Managing anger is one of the biggest emotional issues that children face. Children who can learn to manage their anger have a head start on handling fears and other emotions. Our community is undecided about how to handle anger. We often see no place for it. "Civilised people don't get angry" seems to be the accepted wisdom, so we tend to encourage children to bottle up anger rather than letting it out. Anger needs to be managed, rather than avoided. Many people have the attitude that if anger is buried deep down it will go away.

However, this doesn't always work for children as bottled-up emotions don't always dissipate. They simmer away, eventually spilling over into physical violence or hurtful verbal abuse, which often backfires on the angry person. Kids need to learn that anger can be expressed in ways that are not hurtful to anyone, including themselves.

Here are six steps that parents can take to help kids of all ages keep their emotions in check and respond safely when emotions run high:

Understand it: Help kids understand the events and situations that trigger angry responses. These situations will vary, but may include playing rough games, not getting their own way and being teased by others. Help kids to reflect on the events that trigger a "wobbly", so they can take preventive measures. This type of self-knowledge is really helpful for older primary school children and teenagers.

Name it: Help them recognise the physical signs of anger, such as clenched fists and teeth, tension in their shoulders and heavy breathing. Then help them develop a vocabulary around anger. Naming emotions promotes good emotional literacy in kids.

Defuse it: You need strategies to defuse anger and bring down emotional levels in kids. Distractions and time out can be effective for toddlers. For older children, use diplomacy rather than discipline. You may need to give some kids space on their own before attempting to talk. Listening to their story, validating their right to be angry and focusing on feelings are some ways to defuse anger. Sometimes knowing that someone else knows how you feel is enough to make the anger go away.

Choose it: Help children understand that they have a choice about how they respond to their anger. They may feel like lashing out, but they don't have to get physically or verbally aggressive. Let kids know that slamming doors, throwing things and refusing to cooperate are the wrong ways to display anger. Help them understand that while you are on their side, as they mature they need to choose socially acceptable ways of handling anger.

Say it: Encourage children to express how they feel verbally, through the use of "I" statements, rather than bottling things up or becoming aggressive.

Let it out safely

Boys in particular need physical outlets for pent-up anger. They may go for a run or play a physical game to let their frustration out. Some kids may pour their anger into a letter or a productive activity. Help children find legitimate outlets for their anger.

Parents need to model healthy anger management so children see firsthand how adults handle anger in mature ways. Take time to listen to each other, talk things through and find healthy physical ways to let off steam when you feel yourself getting to boiling point. The maxim for families who want to learn to manage anger in healthy ways should be: "There is nothing so bad that we can't talk about it. However, there is behaviour that is not acceptable."

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